I nearly didn’t write this. A few weeks ago I decided to let my blog go and never write another post again.
In December 2012 my dad was diagnosed with his second bout of cancer. He fought off bowel cancer 5 years ago. This time it was back and had spread throughout his body. As before, he stoically fought it. And we watched helplessly as over the next few weeks he got weaker and weaker. I prayed for a miracle. But he died at home on January 21st. I was there with my mum, sister and J.
I don’t want to write about what happened. Partly because it feels like I would be betraying dad (he was a very private man and wouldn’t be happy about his details being spilled online). And partly because it is just too painful to share. Every detail is indelibly etched in my mind.
I thought I would give myself a month or two off from blogging and then get back into it. But gradually it occurred to me that I didn’t feel like writing another post EVER. And that felt OK. I had upheld my end of the bargain: the goal had been to write a picture book and find a publisher or agent within a year. I wrote 2 and a bit picture books last year (I have almost finished my third) but I couldn’t find anyone interested in them. So I failed my 2012 mission. But it had been a good experiment. Goodbye blog world.
Then something happened which made me change my mind. In a split second I did an abrupt U-turn. I’ll tell you about it in the next few posts. It’s thanks to my dad, who I miss more than I could have ever imagined. (Love you dad.)
2 thoughts on “This is the hardest post I have ever written”
I had been there. Now my dad is with me everyday, every moment, because he lives in my heart. Now I could share everything I couldn’t share with him before. It’s a feeling mixed with bitter and sweet
I know exactly what you mean. In many ways I feel closer to my dad now because I can talk to him and share things with him in a way I couldn’t do before (like many men of that era, he struggled to deal with emotions). Thank you for sharing your experience. I read your blog – I’m sure your dad is very proud of you!